What follows are the beginnings of a random selection of just a few of the hundreds of notes, unposted letters and jottings Marj left in drawers and wardrobe bottoms, in shoe boxes and notebooks. There are also hundreds of poems which I will add in another post.
Note: My mother Marj lived in a number of country towns in Victoria with her husband who she mentions in her jottings by his initials, CRC. In her adult life, Marj suffered from bipolar disorder which went undiagnosed for many years. Except for periods of extreme gloom, she had a every active creative life, writing poetry, sketching and painting.
***
Dear Mummy,
I want you to be MY Mum and help me out of the desperate fog. I'm fed up with everything. It was a stupid thing that I was born except for the 7 descendants (kids and grandkids). You said I am Best Mum but you know it's not so, as I'm MAD. VIOLETS and BLOSSOM XXXXX Love, Old Woman.
***
Behind the facade of seeming normal is a deep disquiet. Since Oct 81, the deepest darkest gloom has been there in tbe background, at times making making me feel so apathetic, making it so hard to get through the day. Oblivion comes, then the agony of doing it all again.
***
***
When CRC is away
I go to bed late
I sketch and fiddle
and spend my time
Auntie Lilling around
I wake at 5 am
feeling fit as a flea!
***
For a long time, during the days
I felt great anxiety and fear
In a simple warm bed
at the end of the day
It was then I felt safe
no problems could get at me there
During the day
I felt various illnesses
my body was a hive of agony
it was not mine
then dawn would come
and it would all begin again
***
Somehow everytime CRC goes away
there's an escaped convict
who has a penchant for our district
I go to bed with all the outside lights blazing
like a cruise ship arriving in port
Next afternoon the neighbour, Janet, is screeching at the fence
Marjorie, Marjorie, you've left all the lights on again.
***
The trampled feet of angels
haunt me
***
Crows gather
my friend
has gone
***
Old ladies
***
Note: My mother Marj lived in a number of country towns in Victoria with her husband who she mentions in her jottings by his initials, CRC. In her adult life, Marj suffered from bipolar disorder which went undiagnosed for many years. Except for periods of extreme gloom, she had a every active creative life, writing poetry, sketching and painting.
***
Dear Mummy,
I want you to be MY Mum and help me out of the desperate fog. I'm fed up with everything. It was a stupid thing that I was born except for the 7 descendants (kids and grandkids). You said I am Best Mum but you know it's not so, as I'm MAD. VIOLETS and BLOSSOM XXXXX Love, Old Woman.
***
Behind the facade of seeming normal is a deep disquiet. Since Oct 81, the deepest darkest gloom has been there in tbe background, at times making making me feel so apathetic, making it so hard to get through the day. Oblivion comes, then the agony of doing it all again.
Growing up, apart from the first six years of my life when my mother was very ill, for me, as I remember, was sheer fun. Many friends, both sexes, sport, singing, music, performing, parties etc. if there was any unhappiness I didn't seem to have it in my mind. I was " somebody" and probably a bit smug.
***
Dear Dr R,
I forgot to tell you that I have diabetes type 2 but Dr Mac just brushed it aside. I'm on a diet but the worry is my feet have been awful for 50 years, circulation v bad, and even though you think my eyes aren't too bad, I know since I saw you last they are worse. I had a wonderful life when young, but my husband was a violent alcoholic (don't tell Gwen). There are other permanent illnesses as well as the HELL of living with Depression. I am alone in the world and there is too much work to do around the house. In this town handy men come and disappear for ever and leave my jobs unfinished. My anti depressants are Lithium and Nardil. I'd like to know if Nardil affects the eyes, it did years ago. I can't find out from anyone! but Lithium rots teeth. Best wishes, Marj.
***
Confidential. Darling Jan,
Have you heard that many married men can be rude, boring, treat their wives like shit, dirty, selfish, mainly thinking of self. Jealous, neurotic, unbalanced, liars — I find lies the worst. Hypocritical, clumsy, noisy, cruel, mean, loud, make strange noises in the lavatory, pee on the floor, says he can fix everything — can't. Feet smell, shows off going out, v untidy, hoarder, funny gait, clears throat constantly when speaks and if eating, waves the conversation away, taps his cheek.ALWAYS has the newspaper first in the AM for about an hour.Stubborn, untruthful, unreliable,very irritatingly rude, absent husband and dad, patriarch, rules family, headstrong, self willed, stupid, not stupid..
but a good pa and husband — better than many.
***
Two and a half page article on PROZAC, the wonder pill. It gave me hepatitis. Another person I know lost a chunk of his liver. If I had to go into a dungeon I wouldn't take it again. I SHAN"T TOUCH PROZAC.
***
My Mum bought me a car. Oh how I wish I'd chosen a piano instead of that car. I was frightened then as CR was very cruel, criticising my musical books and friends. SADISTIC.
***
Sick of Being Sick and Sick of Being.
***
Dearest Daughter,
Your pa is no longer himself. His diet has become a RELIGION. He has thrown HE into woodwork and chopping down trees to the ground and becomimg involved in a few more local clubs as president, and he still has the same peeing trouble, but no whisky now. HE has discovered sprout making (forgeting I did it 24 years ago). Sprouts cover the kitchen floor, the lounge carpet and my ears are full of em. OH GOH! Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments!
***
Tonight your Pa is on the whisky and coughing a lot. It's a hopeless situation, My Life is a PIG HOLE!
***
I hate the jarring sound of TV
***
Confidential. Darling Jan,
Have you heard that many married men can be rude, boring, treat their wives like shit, dirty, selfish, mainly thinking of self. Jealous, neurotic, unbalanced, liars — I find lies the worst. Hypocritical, clumsy, noisy, cruel, mean, loud, make strange noises in the lavatory, pee on the floor, says he can fix everything — can't. Feet smell, shows off going out, v untidy, hoarder, funny gait, clears throat constantly when speaks and if eating, waves the conversation away, taps his cheek.ALWAYS has the newspaper first in the AM for about an hour.Stubborn, untruthful, unreliable,very irritatingly rude, absent husband and dad, patriarch, rules family, headstrong, self willed, stupid, not stupid..
but a good pa and husband — better than many.
***
Two and a half page article on PROZAC, the wonder pill. It gave me hepatitis. Another person I know lost a chunk of his liver. If I had to go into a dungeon I wouldn't take it again. I SHAN"T TOUCH PROZAC.
***
My Mum bought me a car. Oh how I wish I'd chosen a piano instead of that car. I was frightened then as CR was very cruel, criticising my musical books and friends. SADISTIC.
***
Sick of Being Sick and Sick of Being.
***
Dearest Daughter,
Your pa is no longer himself. His diet has become a RELIGION. He has thrown HE into woodwork and chopping down trees to the ground and becomimg involved in a few more local clubs as president, and he still has the same peeing trouble, but no whisky now. HE has discovered sprout making (forgeting I did it 24 years ago). Sprouts cover the kitchen floor, the lounge carpet and my ears are full of em. OH GOH! Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments!
***
Tonight your Pa is on the whisky and coughing a lot. It's a hopeless situation, My Life is a PIG HOLE!
***
I hate the jarring sound of TV
the BEEP BEEP from microwaves
and timers and washing machines
and drying machines and snoring
and people singing off key
loud blood pressure eep eeps
dripping taps
chain saws, non stop throat clearing
sniffling, drunken drooling
guns, drills, horns
feet dragging on the floor
as if the sky was ready to fall.
OH GOSH, WHAT AND INTOLERANT CREATURE I AM
***
***
CRC got very bad tempered and stomped out of the house. This used to be a frequent occurence when we lived in R, S, and Sey, but not of later years. I get very upset at these happenings but yet it is not worth it as he doesn't care. I walked around the streets in the freezing frost looking for him to no avail. He returned later and stomped to bed. Why do some men behave like this? I am old. I deserve a reasonable amount of calm, peace and happiness, Why should I always be the one to say 'sorry'. Bloody men need a whip. Thousands of women are worse off than me. As the years go on CRC can spew out his jealousy of me, belt me, frighten me, but I no longer care re the violence. I feel sorry for him. I'd rather have the violence than the sarcasm and being questioned, judged and accused. Yes V V sorry for him. Your Mother Marj.
***
Dear Jan
when I bust
and ya'll going through the stuff
I know damn well, that though you care
you'll get fed up and leave it there
But P, the man will have his say
and take it off in the dray
S is the most prac-ti-cal
I want the three of you to be pals
I want no fights, no jealousy
I would like J if she is free
to read my ramblings
some might be a help
to others just like me
***
***
CRC is about to become a TOP MAN. President of the whole state and it is all voluntary. He has just promised he will not make me sit with his stuffed shirts at the next do at The Southern Cross, Hilton or any other place of high repute in Australia or the rest of the world.
Signed................ Not Signed!
At one of these dos once he told me not to laugh. You're not in a country town now. I have risen very high in the world so you had better behave yourself!
***
I've said to you
help me cut off a leg,
in exchange for this BLACK PIT I'm in
I would gladly swap
but you don't believe me
or you
or you
or you
Friends say
be BRAVE
if the weir wall broke, yes
but to enter the bakery—scared
***
Lists of songs
Night and Day
In my Solitude
Georgia
***
Once Marj got waterlogged
and went under
still under
1996
and went under
still under
1996
***
When CRC is away
I go to bed late
I sketch and fiddle
and spend my time
Auntie Lilling around
I wake at 5 am
feeling fit as a flea!
***
For a long time, during the days
I felt great anxiety and fear
In a simple warm bed
at the end of the day
It was then I felt safe
no problems could get at me there
During the day
I felt various illnesses
my body was a hive of agony
it was not mine
then dawn would come
and it would all begin again
***
Somehow everytime CRC goes away
there's an escaped convict
who has a penchant for our district
I go to bed with all the outside lights blazing
like a cruise ship arriving in port
Next afternoon the neighbour, Janet, is screeching at the fence
Marjorie, Marjorie, you've left all the lights on again.
***
The trampled feet of angels
haunt me
***
Crows gather
my friend
has gone
***
Old ladies
All their days
Sweeping leaves
***
Young woman
Every day
The ironing board
***
Room 26
Has had
a haemorrhage
***
Bored women
Have a binge
Every night
***
Lets get manic
lets have a ball
in the winter though
not in the fall
all the manics join in sing
to hell with depression
lets have a wing ding!
***
Why should the night end?
good friends
good fun
a bit of food and a drop of red
it's the pleasure
it's the love
yes it's the love
one feels
with friends
***
I can't work it out
I just can't work it out
I'm living
I'm waiting
I'm hoping
I know the best years are gone
What could possibly be next?
I wish 'Ging' could sometimes return
***
What's the use of all this scribble?
It's only me who will read it
It's only me that needs it
No-one would publish it
lets have a ball
in the winter though
not in the fall
all the manics join in sing
to hell with depression
lets have a wing ding!
***
Why should the night end?
good friends
good fun
a bit of food and a drop of red
it's the pleasure
it's the love
yes it's the love
one feels
with friends
***
I can't work it out
I just can't work it out
I'm living
I'm waiting
I'm hoping
I know the best years are gone
What could possibly be next?
I wish 'Ging' could sometimes return
***
What's the use of all this scribble?
It's only me who will read it
It's only me that needs it
No-one would publish it
But If we had a peanna
we could write the tunes
pianissimo non troppo!
***
It was one of those days
the sun shone through the fog
for the first time in weeks
I ran about
happy
giving tips to paper boys
smiling at the postman
helping old maids along
and calling old Jack Hull
'sweetheart'
By 1.30 pm
burst water pipe in the laundry
like four men peeing
CRC away
plumbers all had the flu
or nineteen other burst pipes to attend to
so I ran about
frantic
turning off the water main
after storing water for
(a) tea
(b) APC (armpits and crotch)
then
(c) preparing shit hole in the lawn
(d) a pee jug in the NOT lavatory
(e) putting the dirty pots in the sand pit to scour
(f) trying, trying to be calm
while CRC is calling from Bendigo sounding very low, thinks he has the big C, begging me to get there somehow
(g) oh dear God!
(h) try another plumber
(i) try the afternoon paperboy. He is fifteen and a friend, but by the sound of his voice he is all 'done in'.
(j) try Fred the truckie. He can give me a lift half way to Bendigo but I'd have to leave at 1 am and no guarantee of onward passage.
(k) decide not to go to Bendigo, besides who doesn't have the big C these days anyway!
(l) sit down, have a cup of tea
(n) hide the shotgun again
***
Don'ts
1. don't giggle, especially in the mornings
2. don't tidy away photos
3. don't meddle with CRC's papers
4. don't use all the plates
5. don't forget to clean the bathroom basin
6. don't get CRC's socks mixed up
7. don't forget to rinse the lemon squeezer
8. don't forget to bang the tea strainer
9. don't forget to fill the teapot
10. don't serve luke warm tea
11. don't put blu tac on the walls or small picture hooks
12. don't talk to me when I'm watching television
13. don't turn my underpants and singlets grey
14. don't make a mess of the newspaper
15. don't put things in different places
16. don't wear that — get with it!
we could write the tunes
pianissimo non troppo!
***
It was one of those days
the sun shone through the fog
for the first time in weeks
I ran about
happy
giving tips to paper boys
smiling at the postman
helping old maids along
and calling old Jack Hull
'sweetheart'
By 1.30 pm
burst water pipe in the laundry
like four men peeing
CRC away
plumbers all had the flu
or nineteen other burst pipes to attend to
so I ran about
frantic
turning off the water main
after storing water for
(a) tea
(b) APC (armpits and crotch)
then
(c) preparing shit hole in the lawn
(d) a pee jug in the NOT lavatory
(e) putting the dirty pots in the sand pit to scour
(f) trying, trying to be calm
while CRC is calling from Bendigo sounding very low, thinks he has the big C, begging me to get there somehow
(g) oh dear God!
(h) try another plumber
(i) try the afternoon paperboy. He is fifteen and a friend, but by the sound of his voice he is all 'done in'.
(j) try Fred the truckie. He can give me a lift half way to Bendigo but I'd have to leave at 1 am and no guarantee of onward passage.
(k) decide not to go to Bendigo, besides who doesn't have the big C these days anyway!
(l) sit down, have a cup of tea
(n) hide the shotgun again
***
Don'ts
1. don't giggle, especially in the mornings
2. don't tidy away photos
3. don't meddle with CRC's papers
4. don't use all the plates
5. don't forget to clean the bathroom basin
6. don't get CRC's socks mixed up
7. don't forget to rinse the lemon squeezer
8. don't forget to bang the tea strainer
9. don't forget to fill the teapot
10. don't serve luke warm tea
11. don't put blu tac on the walls or small picture hooks
12. don't talk to me when I'm watching television
13. don't turn my underpants and singlets grey
14. don't make a mess of the newspaper
15. don't put things in different places
16. don't wear that — get with it!
***
CRC hurled his book across the room
Missed me
Said he was off
Banged out the front door
But first he called me a f....ing Bitch and F...kin this and F...kin that
I'd been nagging him for two weeks
he'd had me up to the eyballs
He left, soon returned
I had gone for a walk
He was sitting in his chair reading
Pretended to be nice
As if it hadn't happened
But he did say
One of these days he'd piss off forever
I said good and did some writing
It's happened before
When he goes on the wagon
And has withdrawal symptoms from the drink
***
To Judith
41 years of depression
Many pills
Don't help
One terrible life of HELL
1995 I had two good days
1996 one good day
No support
No rels
After marriage much stress, worry, violence, mental cruelty, anxiety
Do you think it could be a chemical imbalance?
***
Wife
Look at me
I've been a good wife
I've seen that you had clean shirts and socks
WELL haven't I?
I've not had an affair
Or clandestine meetings
I know I am poor at certain things
But I did what I call my best
In the circumstances
I might do better in other environs
Who knows?
Anyway, I only started telling lies at 62
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