This is the moment, the one I must write from...
When things got bad Marj would take to her bed - dissappear under her earth brown douna, her body tight and curled in the foetal position, facing away from us, facing the wall. We would offer to bring her cups of tea and raisin toast, buttered hot, just the way she liked it. She would poke her tiny face out and smile dutifully, sitting up straight like a good girl to accept our well intentioned offerings. She would sip daintily at her sustenance and before she was finished (when you weren't looking), place cup and saucer back on the tray and slide back into her cocoon.
Was it quiet in there, I wondered; was it warm and cosy? Could she spin a fine while gauze around her, like silk worms do, or was it just as dark as dark could be.
Her husband would tell the neighbours she was feeling poorly, not well again, no need to explain further; they had heard the stories of how she tried to leap from the camper van in the UK on their long awaited overseas trip. How Chassa Boy had to have her committed to a London psychiatric unit, how she pretended to be sane just to get the hell out of there, how they had to cut their trip short so she could get treatment back home.
That must have been when she went in for her first round of shock treatment (they prefer you call it electro-convulsive therapy). I was away on my overseas travels, I left in 1974 and didn't come back for four years, well, except for once in 1977 when Chassa Boy rang me in the middle of the night to tell me Marj had tried to take her life. I was living in Oregon, had just finished recording an album with an all girl latin jazz band I played percussion with, and was about to go on tour. The girls in the band kindly changed the dates til after I returned.
I didn't do much, I stayed a few weeks and tried to be as upbeat and positive as I could. As I was about to leave Marj told me she wouldn't attempt it again. 'The feeling of failure' she said, 'is too unbearable.'
Image: Gwynneth Jones
Jan Cornall began writing in the 70s. She has written plays, musicals, screenplays, a novel, short stories, and three CDs of songs. Since 2004 she has led writer's retreats in inspirational international locations including Bali, Laos, Burma, Cambodia, Morocco and Fiji. In 2014 she is planning a Vietnam trip following the footsteps of M.Duras in Vietnam. More info here.
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