S.O.S. letters, lists, poems, from the Marj archives.
Darling Daughter,
This is a cry for Help. I often feel I can't go on— yet there's no way OUT. Don't get expensive cards altho' lovely. I could send you a stamp and envelope. If ya hear of a helpful method to make life bearable— goodo. Some years back you said I was a BURDEN to you. I'm sorry more than you know, I am a Burden. If only M.S. had hit me instead... I didn't pick this sickness out of a HAT.
Dear P
Since before Xmas a depression has been down on me. Normally the last few years it only comes for a few weeks and goes and this is the longest period for ages, but today Sunday March 27th, I feel it lifting. I'm the only one that knows when it comes and goes, unless I tell them, as it's something right deep inside — too hard to understand —it's not weeping, it's a terrible apathy. I just can't describe it. I haven't been to the shrink for twelve months and when he knew Chas was sick he rang me. I'll go back one day — he can't do much though. It's NOT hereditary so don't worry. My mum was very sick when I was born and for six years, so sick I had to stay with relatives — my dad was distracted and used to talk about shooting himself.
I'm ashamed of the period when I went dotty on strong drugs and placed all the maps crooked. S used to nicely straighten them and finally I blew my top. S is so nice, I don't know what she thought of me. I know she was horribly shocked one time when I used F...Ks in telling CRC off. This is one reason I refuse to take the drugs again.
Note for Judith, home help.
41 yrs of depression.
Many pills - now
Nardil for a long
time 30 yrs - doesn't help
Lithium, Prozac = Hepatitis
one terrible life of
HELL
1995 —2 good days
1996 —1 good day
at times unbearable
no support
no rels
after marriage much
stress worry
violence (mental
cruelty) anxiety
They say it
could be chemical
inbalance
It is v. difficult
to live 50 years with a
man who knows
everything
all my sacred thoughts
things, ideas, actions
dashed to bits
put down often in front of
guests
At balls etc in Melb
his lies, lack of manners
I'm left for dead
Dear R
I'm writing a list of diseases so you won't be shocked when you come to stay.
I know you understand more than most because of all your experience.
The big D is HELL
also
5 or 6 years ago I got Pernicious Anaemia
I'm not good at eating and very very slow because I choke and have ended up in the local hospital
trouble re teeth - misalignment of jaw
dry mouth
can't cry
feet are useless and knees
prolapse
ears are queer
permanent nerve rash ( not catching)
sight is poor — operation in one eye soon
arthritis 30 yrs
osteo
back useless since accident (1939)
That's enough!
drugs make me vague and not myself
bumbly
and lining of tum collects fat
Chas bought a microwave for drying wood ( his wood turning hobby)
— useless
so he started cooking in it
and now he does the meals
he won't eat my stews or caseeroles and salads
and won't agree to have groceries delivered
so you must say what you like to eat R
you'll soon get fed up and tired of me
Love
Marj
To the hairdresser
Dear J
Re the new hair colour
do you recall I told you once
I've had 40 yrs of HELLish Depressive Illness
HELLuva life!
I do NOT want grey J, it's all I have left and hate it in the mirror
could you do it,
not dark
but silver blonde?
June 15
I was in utter HELL
a fair win in Tatts
a dear friend came
lady luck thrived
all around me
but I cared not a damn
all I wished was to walk away
leave the planet earth
walk across the mountains
disappear — hide in an old mine
until I crumbled into a mess
of pale dust
Yet this is not practical
think of the police dogs, trackers, bushmen
so
hide I hide my head under the doona
the thing I most want
I cannot have
so all has been a farce
what's the point
in being born?
in ending up alone?
being shut off
from the grandchildren
being kept in a HELL box?
Dear Meg,
(Dr Meg Smith, Mental Health advocate, set up first self help group for Manic Depression. Marj had ongoing correspondence with her)
Hope you are OK. I'll be 78 yrs soon and have been in HELL for 41 and a half yrs. I think I've tried hard to do my best, but that has left me with clinical anxiety, fear, guilt etc. Why does the illness come?It's not in my family. Marriage was HELL too (alcoholic). I told you I'm not Manic Depressive. It is here all the time. 2 good days last year, scared stiff as so old, no rels, no family near, if I go over the wall. I told you Meg, Prozac gave me liver inflammation. Whatever to do? I'm more than fed up Meg. GPs know nothing about these illnesses.
To CRC
Poor you - everyone clamouring for you. I've never had any sympathy from anyone but you. I need some. What the HELL is the use of my life?
Marj
VOID
Strange that a life that seemed happy enough, even rich at times has become now mainly one big void.
One spends so much time alone inside the head. One is alive because the daily functions are peformed.
But one is SO alone.
When a snatched day happens with friends, it is so cosy, safe, warm, relaxed, but there is always the knowledge — this will not last — this is not your home, your life, it is their laughter. Yours will go when you leave your friends. This is not YOUR life. This is the happy, carefree, relaxed way they live.
But as you plod on, as you have done for years, you know if you sink, it is only your loss. If you go to the bottom of the ocean and fail to rise to the surface
today they will say
— how sad
and tomorrow
— which horse won the last race?
I've got no plan
I shd be tossing out junk
I've got no car
I've got no friend
I am in HELL
I am very scared of the Psychiatric Home
" They " have my history
and the police have yours
1953
Shepp was the start of clinical D
J was about 3 yrs old, P was 7
me on the bicycle and the kids on the back
CRC persuaded me to go back teaching
the life was terrible
He was in clubs drinking late, passing out
MAD
Twice he stormed in, in front of friends and dragged us home and kicked the front door in (whisky, fishing)
Men are too strong
I got away somehow
7 bashings all up
animal when drunk
should have had video
poor P copped the worst
J observed
S saw nothing
In Rochy he repeated it in front of 18 friends
A few years ago sitting on the back step CRC said —
I've been a bastard of a husband to you from beginning to end
Maybe he felt guilty
for all the times he'd been
— liar, cheat, jealous,
— dishonest, thin skinned and very rude
for all the lousy stuff he'd done.
1994
Darling J
Have you given away song and dance, sketch, dialogue, drums, floral new age stuff?
It's strange how silent and depressed your Pa is, unless he meets a young nurse
his only other interest is golf
and he gets v v tired reading murder mysteries or westerns.
Do you know what defeat is? Falling down a narrow hole in the desert, half alone but nine tenths dead?
I repeat and repeat to you Darl, forgive others, make your life happy even if it's a battle.
Blame me for all deficiencies
But don't blame others
Don't blame others
Darling S
I'm sorry S to the depths of my heart that I got this disease. My mum and rels didn't have it. It's worse now. I am every day vv unhappy. You couldn't understand the suicide bit but I saved pills from Rochy on for years before I thought I could have some release but...
It all started at the church altar, being wed as your Pa stank of spirits. 3 days and nights drinking before the wedding and drinking on the honeymoon, it was such a flop.
Then the stress of going back teaching against my will as we had no money (all gone on whisky).
The depression came on in Shepp and apart from a few remissions has been in me ever since.
This makes me sad, sorry and ashamed, no confidence, no joy in living.
Although now your pa is vv good mostly, but he is out all the time.
He tells me, S knows you've been MAD for years. But don't blame him.
I like many men. My dad was sweet gentle, good at sport, vvv good with gardens, he left school at 12 years. I come from working class stock and proud of it. I was 'IN' with the bluebloods at Ballarat; yaght club, dancing, rowing. I saw through them. You know my oldest friend Twee was in the Brighton yacht club.
What I'm trying to say is once I was ME and not this putrid vegetable.
Love
your Mum
1986
I cannot quite recall the stage in my life when I changed. Certainly I have changed since finding Dr Jenny and also as she agreed to take me on although already overworked.
I have spent so many hours of adult life mown down by worry re CRC.
I used to be sucked in,
until the Cabrini episode
and then I saw with my eyes wide open the reason for hospitalisation and of course DR X told me about it. I knew at last, what I feared had started.
So now lets all join the ranks of the senile. 67 or 92 years — why worry?
they don't remember
so sympathy is kept on the surface
A hard old woman is emerging
like a moth kept in a cocoon
for 100 years
1990
Birthday card from CRC to Marj
To My Darling!
All my love to you my sweet, for your love and care over the years
1990
Chas
Darling Daughter,
This is a cry for Help. I often feel I can't go on— yet there's no way OUT. Don't get expensive cards altho' lovely. I could send you a stamp and envelope. If ya hear of a helpful method to make life bearable— goodo. Some years back you said I was a BURDEN to you. I'm sorry more than you know, I am a Burden. If only M.S. had hit me instead... I didn't pick this sickness out of a HAT.
Dear P
Since before Xmas a depression has been down on me. Normally the last few years it only comes for a few weeks and goes and this is the longest period for ages, but today Sunday March 27th, I feel it lifting. I'm the only one that knows when it comes and goes, unless I tell them, as it's something right deep inside — too hard to understand —it's not weeping, it's a terrible apathy. I just can't describe it. I haven't been to the shrink for twelve months and when he knew Chas was sick he rang me. I'll go back one day — he can't do much though. It's NOT hereditary so don't worry. My mum was very sick when I was born and for six years, so sick I had to stay with relatives — my dad was distracted and used to talk about shooting himself.
I'm ashamed of the period when I went dotty on strong drugs and placed all the maps crooked. S used to nicely straighten them and finally I blew my top. S is so nice, I don't know what she thought of me. I know she was horribly shocked one time when I used F...Ks in telling CRC off. This is one reason I refuse to take the drugs again.
Note for Judith, home help.
41 yrs of depression.
Many pills - now
Nardil for a long
time 30 yrs - doesn't help
Lithium, Prozac = Hepatitis
one terrible life of
HELL
1995 —2 good days
1996 —1 good day
at times unbearable
no support
no rels
after marriage much
stress worry
violence (mental
cruelty) anxiety
They say it
could be chemical
inbalance
It is v. difficult
to live 50 years with a
man who knows
everything
all my sacred thoughts
things, ideas, actions
dashed to bits
put down often in front of
guests
At balls etc in Melb
his lies, lack of manners
I'm left for dead
Dear R
I'm writing a list of diseases so you won't be shocked when you come to stay.
I know you understand more than most because of all your experience.
The big D is HELL
also
5 or 6 years ago I got Pernicious Anaemia
I'm not good at eating and very very slow because I choke and have ended up in the local hospital
trouble re teeth - misalignment of jaw
dry mouth
can't cry
feet are useless and knees
prolapse
ears are queer
permanent nerve rash ( not catching)
sight is poor — operation in one eye soon
arthritis 30 yrs
osteo
back useless since accident (1939)
That's enough!
drugs make me vague and not myself
bumbly
and lining of tum collects fat
Chas bought a microwave for drying wood ( his wood turning hobby)
— useless
so he started cooking in it
and now he does the meals
he won't eat my stews or caseeroles and salads
and won't agree to have groceries delivered
so you must say what you like to eat R
you'll soon get fed up and tired of me
Love
Marj
To the hairdresser
Dear J
Re the new hair colour
do you recall I told you once
I've had 40 yrs of HELLish Depressive Illness
HELLuva life!
I do NOT want grey J, it's all I have left and hate it in the mirror
could you do it,
not dark
but silver blonde?
June 15
I was in utter HELL
a fair win in Tatts
a dear friend came
lady luck thrived
all around me
but I cared not a damn
all I wished was to walk away
leave the planet earth
walk across the mountains
disappear — hide in an old mine
until I crumbled into a mess
of pale dust
Yet this is not practical
think of the police dogs, trackers, bushmen
so
hide I hide my head under the doona
the thing I most want
I cannot have
so all has been a farce
what's the point
in being born?
in ending up alone?
being shut off
from the grandchildren
being kept in a HELL box?
Dear Meg,
(Dr Meg Smith, Mental Health advocate, set up first self help group for Manic Depression. Marj had ongoing correspondence with her)
Hope you are OK. I'll be 78 yrs soon and have been in HELL for 41 and a half yrs. I think I've tried hard to do my best, but that has left me with clinical anxiety, fear, guilt etc. Why does the illness come?It's not in my family. Marriage was HELL too (alcoholic). I told you I'm not Manic Depressive. It is here all the time. 2 good days last year, scared stiff as so old, no rels, no family near, if I go over the wall. I told you Meg, Prozac gave me liver inflammation. Whatever to do? I'm more than fed up Meg. GPs know nothing about these illnesses.
To CRC
Poor you - everyone clamouring for you. I've never had any sympathy from anyone but you. I need some. What the HELL is the use of my life?
Marj
VOID
Strange that a life that seemed happy enough, even rich at times has become now mainly one big void.
One spends so much time alone inside the head. One is alive because the daily functions are peformed.
But one is SO alone.
When a snatched day happens with friends, it is so cosy, safe, warm, relaxed, but there is always the knowledge — this will not last — this is not your home, your life, it is their laughter. Yours will go when you leave your friends. This is not YOUR life. This is the happy, carefree, relaxed way they live.
But as you plod on, as you have done for years, you know if you sink, it is only your loss. If you go to the bottom of the ocean and fail to rise to the surface
today they will say
— how sad
and tomorrow
— which horse won the last race?
I've got no plan
I shd be tossing out junk
I've got no car
I've got no friend
I am in HELL
I am very scared of the Psychiatric Home
" They " have my history
and the police have yours
1953
Shepp was the start of clinical D
J was about 3 yrs old, P was 7
me on the bicycle and the kids on the back
CRC persuaded me to go back teaching
the life was terrible
He was in clubs drinking late, passing out
MAD
Twice he stormed in, in front of friends and dragged us home and kicked the front door in (whisky, fishing)
Men are too strong
I got away somehow
7 bashings all up
animal when drunk
should have had video
poor P copped the worst
J observed
S saw nothing
In Rochy he repeated it in front of 18 friends
A few years ago sitting on the back step CRC said —
I've been a bastard of a husband to you from beginning to end
Maybe he felt guilty
for all the times he'd been
— liar, cheat, jealous,
— dishonest, thin skinned and very rude
for all the lousy stuff he'd done.
1994
Darling J
Have you given away song and dance, sketch, dialogue, drums, floral new age stuff?
It's strange how silent and depressed your Pa is, unless he meets a young nurse
his only other interest is golf
and he gets v v tired reading murder mysteries or westerns.
Do you know what defeat is? Falling down a narrow hole in the desert, half alone but nine tenths dead?
I repeat and repeat to you Darl, forgive others, make your life happy even if it's a battle.
Blame me for all deficiencies
But don't blame others
Don't blame others
Darling S
I'm sorry S to the depths of my heart that I got this disease. My mum and rels didn't have it. It's worse now. I am every day vv unhappy. You couldn't understand the suicide bit but I saved pills from Rochy on for years before I thought I could have some release but...
It all started at the church altar, being wed as your Pa stank of spirits. 3 days and nights drinking before the wedding and drinking on the honeymoon, it was such a flop.
Then the stress of going back teaching against my will as we had no money (all gone on whisky).
The depression came on in Shepp and apart from a few remissions has been in me ever since.
This makes me sad, sorry and ashamed, no confidence, no joy in living.
Although now your pa is vv good mostly, but he is out all the time.
He tells me, S knows you've been MAD for years. But don't blame him.
I like many men. My dad was sweet gentle, good at sport, vvv good with gardens, he left school at 12 years. I come from working class stock and proud of it. I was 'IN' with the bluebloods at Ballarat; yaght club, dancing, rowing. I saw through them. You know my oldest friend Twee was in the Brighton yacht club.
What I'm trying to say is once I was ME and not this putrid vegetable.
Love
your Mum
1986
I cannot quite recall the stage in my life when I changed. Certainly I have changed since finding Dr Jenny and also as she agreed to take me on although already overworked.
I have spent so many hours of adult life mown down by worry re CRC.
I used to be sucked in,
until the Cabrini episode
and then I saw with my eyes wide open the reason for hospitalisation and of course DR X told me about it. I knew at last, what I feared had started.
So now lets all join the ranks of the senile. 67 or 92 years — why worry?
they don't remember
so sympathy is kept on the surface
A hard old woman is emerging
like a moth kept in a cocoon
for 100 years
1990
Birthday card from CRC to Marj
To My Darling!
All my love to you my sweet, for your love and care over the years
1990
Chas
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